A little better
This last week has wreaked havoc on me. I have been moody, selfish and down right rude. Work has been getting the best of me and by the time I get home I am cranky and tired. Funny thing about my job. It's a great position and I am lucky to have it. Yet I complain to no end and find fault in almost everything. In hindsight I can see it clearly. But this week I was blind. It seemed like nothing could go right. Realisticly, it was things weren't going MY way. How and When did I become so selfish and self centered??? I go home at night and I am rude to my wife and I offer her no love or support. I try to hurt her, because I am feeling hurt. I close up and I won't talk about anything. I sit on the couch smoke a bowl and watch tv for the entire night. She sits next to me working her p/t job on MY laptop all night. I can't even use my own computer. She is on it every night, all night. Working for a company she says she's part owner. She has never received any pay. She works easily 3-4 hrs a night, every night. It's old. I'm bored. I'm selfish. I want to spend quality time with her. I would love for us to do Yoga together or go for a walk, or watch a movie and just enjoy each other's company. When we talk about it, we both get defensive. She says all I do is get high and watch tv. I say all she does is work, work, work. So we both shut up and agree to disagree.
I do love her. I know she loves me. We need to spice up our lives. When I get bored with work, life or relationships I have this habit of finding somewhere new. Last time I packed up and moved to Indy. Sometimes I think about going home. But I can't just leave her and all our animals. I can't just quit my job and walk away from everything this time. I did it before and I thought I would find happiness. But running away does not equal happiness. That is something I must find within myself and accept who I am and whom I have chosen to love. I made too many promises to just walk away.
Today I am feeling a bit better. I don't feel so hopeless. I don't want to be cold and hurtful. I want to be loving and cherish our relationship. I guess all I can do is start from here....
I do love her. I know she loves me. We need to spice up our lives. When I get bored with work, life or relationships I have this habit of finding somewhere new. Last time I packed up and moved to Indy. Sometimes I think about going home. But I can't just leave her and all our animals. I can't just quit my job and walk away from everything this time. I did it before and I thought I would find happiness. But running away does not equal happiness. That is something I must find within myself and accept who I am and whom I have chosen to love. I made too many promises to just walk away.
Today I am feeling a bit better. I don't feel so hopeless. I don't want to be cold and hurtful. I want to be loving and cherish our relationship. I guess all I can do is start from here....
posted by scarletpappion at 4:53 PM
3 Comments:
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Hang in there sweetie!! I understand. Life sucks sometimes. I am sending you peaceful vibes!!!
I hope today finds you feeling a little better.
I too have a tendency to just pack up and go somewhere new, but eventually I realized all the same shit just follows me.
But still, the suitcases look so appealing sometimes.
You have a woman who loves you, pets who love you, and many bloggers who love you, just remember that when times get bad. And if that doesn't work, smoke another bowl and remember you're always welcome in KC!
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